TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely out of area. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have A further place exactly where American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It is that he really should stop making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You know, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Area, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Options


Perhaps the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Eternally."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may even include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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